Concerns of an airhead

That Feeling

Grace Lee — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 17:03:15 +0000

I met someone.

Somehow, even though I only met him last week and tonight’s coffee was our third meeting.. I have a good feeling about this one.

Yes, this one feels right somehow. I can’t put a finger on it.. But this one feels right.

Dresses and Love

Grace Lee — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:11:43 +0000

I went shopping with my mummy at the mall earlier today and saw an amazing dress which was going at a wonderful discount!! A refreshing color in a cut which shows off one’s figure whilst being modest due to its length, ending slightly below my knee; all in all, a very very sexy dress.

Mum: Very nice. But where are you gonna wear that?

Me: On dates!!

Mum: Which guy is gonna dare to bring you out in that? And where to?

Me: Oh yes, Singaporean guys.. Sigh. They would be too overwhelmed in their jeans and t-shirts.

Mum: Do you still want it?

Me: Hell yea!! Every girl needs a nice, casually glamorous dress.. just in case a date ever materializes. Hahaha!! Worst case scenario.. I have plenty of weddings to attend.

Mum: Weddings!?

Now.. isn’t that sad? But yes, I bought that dress anyway; it would be a stunning addition to my wardrobe.

Besides, I secretly await the day when I do wear it for a man whom I know finds me beautiful even without having to wear a great dress.

What a mush.

The “New Year Post”

Grace Lee — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 06:17:48 +0000

The end of the year always spells the blues for me. It’s been a pattern for most of my life to start wallowing in self-doubt and struggle to gain a fraction back of my usual optimism during this quarter of the year. It’s the three month stretch which includes that of the New Year, Chinese New Year and my birthday which forces one to stop and ponder one’s progression and growth in life.

I was sitting at a bar a couple of nights ago with my friends, sipping at a glass of coke and wondering aloud to them why the end of the year proves to be such a pain to get through; and so my friend says “You need patience, the month of December is always when things start to slow down. Do not get impatient and hasty as a result.” How logical but then again, I have never been great friends with logic.

I have come to realize that I am akin to that of a kite; I soar with ease on the winds of change and nothing is more exhilarating than working hard and riding a large gale but when the inertia has died down, I find my lack of real ambition doesn’t keep me up in the skies and I dwindle confused and spinning back to earthly oblivion, crashing into the ground. The slowing of work this month has left me short of wind and filled with panic.

I am not who I used to be it seems; true, I was an emotional wreck who wore her heart on her sleeves and expressed joy as furiously as I expressed my rage. A whirlwind of emotions then, I am now a rather even-tempered creature who I find relatively heartless compared to the person who wept oceans and flung tears about in expression of her pain and joy. Sometimes, I still wonder where that emotional extremity has gone.

To be fair to myself, I have had a relatively smooth sailing year; job-wise, I have managed to get myself a pretty good job; friendship-wise, old is gold; love-wise, still single but with no heartbreaks; soul-wise, a tad repressed but happier than ever. So I guess; my wishes for the New Year should be to moderate myself a little more; to grow in a wholesome and, as I like to call it, “well-adjusted” manner.

So “Ho Ho Ho!!” my friends, have a Merry Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, in all sense of the words. I wish you peace, health and joy in the months ahead.

Social Skills

Grace Lee — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 08:39:20 +0000

The Intern asked me: “What exactly do girls talk about when they catch up?” followed by, “You don’t look like you talk shop.” I was rather surprised to hear that actually, I always thought that I was pretty alright when dealing with other females. From strangers to close friends, females generally bond over the same common topics, don’t they? Topics like that of fashion, boys, gossip about other girls; we warm up with a compliment or two and as long as all parties dish out a little dirt about themselves, most hit it off like new-found BFFs. Superficially, at least.

Somehow, men never seem to think that I get along well with the ladies; most assume that I hang with the lads. In reality, that is quite the opposite: My closest friends are mostly females; and I am not that comfortable in establishing a close relationship with other men apart from those already present in my life. Men and women being friends; it is a complication especially at this age; I do not believe that a purely platonic and strong friendship can be formed at this current stage of life. That in addition to my belief, that friendships between people of the same sex are more lasting in nature.

He elaborated by saying that he was surprised and that like I said, I didn’t fit into the conventions of a girly girl. Then in his own words: “I thought given the vast arrays of environments I have chosen to put myself in, I’d seen it all. But you are still pretty much an island of one.” Given his character, it was probably said in a flippant manner and I should not be taking it seriously but it made me think about my interactions with people and girls in particular: When I wish to, am I truly able to gel with people well? Or are some of my past connections a one-sided enjoyment?

Still a little of the romantic left

Grace Lee — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:52:45 +0000

It all comes back to Mr. A, it seems. Whenever I think of an example of how I want my man to look like or how I would like to feel around him, he is the one I think of. My colleague in HK played a game with me yesterday: “Name me three things that you are looking for in a partner” followed by “Name me another one.” Apparently, the first three factors are what you have been conditioned to look out for, and the fourth is what you truly want.

Mine was “intelligence, humor and a kind heart” with the last being “that special quality which makes me crazy in love with him.” And goodness, am I a sucker for that last bit. I remember how very much I loved him then: just looking at his face made me glow inside, the incessant desire to touch him/kiss him/hug him; I would sit through hours of him gaming just so I could remain in his proximity. Mundane activities never felt boring as long as I was with him.

To this day, that unexplainable attraction holds; I still find him the most beautiful man ever, I still feel lulled into a false sense of happiness and stability around him. If not for my rational mind reminding me of the suffering he put me through, he would still be the man whom I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. How twisted that is; even today, after every encounter with him, I would pray fervently that I could love another man as much as I love him.

For if I did and the person is actually a kind and loving human being, I know that I would love him for the rest of my life. My doubts on fidelity and lasting love wouldn’t stand a chance against the magic of Love. Of course, I do hope that he is going to love me in that same no-holds barred manner; I am sure it would be a wonderful feeling, to love and be loved. Unfortunately, I have never had a lasting hold on that.

It’s been more than 2 years now but I have yet to meet another man who makes me feel so. How frustrating it would be to pine for the person every moment you are apart, to feel so irrationally comforted with a hug even when you are determined to remain angry with the other, to be so utterly dependent emotionally despite being fiercely independent prior to him. But there is such beauty and positivity in the madness of Love; I gladly lose any battle with myself to bask in its crazy gloriousness.

Skinny Angst

Grace Lee — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 09:45:20 +0000

I have been really frustrated at work lately; there have been some individuals at work who despite being annoying in the past, have leveled up to a simply infuriating level. Case in point: a Tech Officer who I have come to dislike so much, the mere sight of his name is enough to tip me over into the psycho abyss.

I had a conversation on instant messenger with him and it led to such feelings of fury, I excused myself into the storeroom where I wept tears of rage. I am not proud to say that, as it indicates a level of inability to get my way with all people as I feel I rightfully should if I try hard enough.

After the initial tears were shed, I contemplated punching him. Oh yes I did although it’s utterly hilarious on hindsight; it makes me realize that the instinct to be physically aggressive really does kick in when the mental battle is lost. So, I thought about the immense satisfaction to be gotten from physically hurting him.

After which, I evaluated the probability of winning which was nil and therefore, meant that I was going to be beaten up. I may be tall for a girl but he is a young, fit and relatively big-sized guy; I am no match in terms of body mass or strength. It was a sobering thought that I was unable to execute it even if I wished to.

The usual related thoughts raced through my mind: I would take up boxing; I would gorge until I was as big as a whale, tackle him down then pummel him faceless while sitting atop him so that he could look at the monstrosity attacking him. Moral of the story is my realization that a taste of revenge would never trump being skinny so it just isn’t worth it.

Friends. (sometimes, you wanna strangle them)

Grace Lee — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:53:20 +0000

Meeting someone who seems like a genuinely nice guy for the first time this coming week.

I tell a couple of my good friends about it cos hell, I am actually really excited!! Good friends know how to keep it quiet, no?

Friend proceeds to say it out loud in front of guy’s sister, who freaks because her husband did not tell her about it.

G-A-M-E O-V-E-R, Grace Lee. GG.

Restraint

Grace Lee — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 18:23:00 +0000

We were lying in the moonlight, and I suddenly felt as though he was going to kiss me.

I remarked “You look like a Monkey” and he groaned, saying that I had ruined the moment.

I applaud my reaction, as unrefined a line it is because I know my heart is easily stolen with just a good kiss.

Lying here in bed, I yearn to know how it would have been like; to feel his lips upon mine.

I remind myself though, that instant gratification is not enough; I have to be cautious, my impulses have caused me much.

Protected: The High Life

Grace Lee — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 18:32:43 +0000

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The fear

Grace Lee — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 16:18:49 +0000

I was watching the movie “Beginners” tonight; which was a beautiful, thought-provoking movie which I very much enjoyed. This is not a review of the movie so I shall not elaborate further on its plot; I wish instead, to talk about how I feel now after watching the movie. My heart is a sinking lump in my chest, my breaths come reluctant and this sense of hopelessness has overcome me.

Anna said to Oliver: “People like us; half of them believe it will never work out, the other half believe in magic and they are always fighting a war.” How true, that is for me. I feel so much pain, yet the joy comes so deep and true; knowing that such immense happiness are the result of such complexities, I can’t say I would give it up for the absence of its brother suffering. This war, it tires people out though.

The dog said to Oliver: “We knew it wasn’t going to work out, even before we met her.” I teared because I remember telling my friends just a week or so ago: “The fact that we are not married, that we are not even in happy, stable relationships mean that we have a 100% failure rate.” How sad that is, I wish that thought did not exist in my head; now all new romances seem doomed to fail.

I have emerged lately, after my 7-month hiatus from all matters of the heart. It’s only been a couple of weeks at most, so there is not much to talk about; somehow though, this has triggered off the deeply rooted fears I have. I think that some real emotion is starting to form here, on their parts though I don’t know how I feel about all this yet and I am scared. I have no faith that all will be well.

I could list my insecurities for days; but you would not like to hear them and neither do I wish to lend them power by speaking of them. I just pray for strength, to keep the half of me which believes in magic alive; it’s losing a battle which I wish to win yet I do not feel strong enough for. I am scared, I don’t know if I can do this; I shall not retreat though, we all deserve chances to find love.. even those of us who fear it.